You Can Change Things Around- My Story

I’ve been happily married to my sweet wife for a little over 27 years and we’ve been blessed with three children ages 14, 18 and 21. We are the best of friends; we talk for hours!  We still hold hands. I still open the door for my bride, and our passion for each other is stronger than it was in our youth. We not only love each other, we are “In Love” with each other!!!  A great deal of our success was obtained by a willingness on both our parts to listen to one another.  By doing that, we learned to “fight fair”, but that’s not how my life started out.  I didn’t get this relationship from long years of watching an example.
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To give you a little background, I was born and raised in Chicago, the 7th of 10 children. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. When I grew older and saw my parents 53-year “marriage”, I vowed that when I got married, I was not going to have a relationship like theirs! My mom and dad came to a place in their relationship where they were just roommates. They got used to being around each other. I never witnessed any romantic love between them. I never saw my dad show any affection toward my mom. I never heard my dad call my mom a term of endearment, like “sweetheart”, or “honey”… nothing. I never saw them kiss, hold hands or even hug each other. I know. Sad. However, I did see emotion. Unfortunately, it was usually anger and yelling.  I remember the loud arguments and abuse that went on in the home. So you may ask “well, how did you know what to do after you got married”?!
Well, in addition to having a commitment to scripture as a Christian, scriptures that instructed me to love my wife, I simply did the exact opposite of what I saw my father do.
I made sure that my wife knew that she was the apple of my eye, and I daily expressed my love and appreciation for her. She knows and was convinced that she had my heart. However, we are both human and we have our disagreements, even arguments. So here’s my question. why can’t we change the negatives of childhood and create a great home?

Couples, It’s OK To Get Angry

 It’s ok to be angry.  Just don’t be stupid!

A young man just met a young lady and felt that she was THE ONE, and when I say “young man” I mean he’s younger than me ( he’s in his 40s). He told me how well they got along and just how well they clicked, he was very excited.

 I listened, and after he had finished his declaration of the new found Love Of His Life, I told him this: “Well that’s nice. I’m happy that you found someone you can share your life with.  I asked him “Is she a keeper?”

He said with enthusiasm, “YES!!!”

I then said, ” Well, the real measure of how well you two will get along is how you handle your arguments.”

A week later he came to see me, saying ” Man, this woman got attitude!

Me: What woman?

Him: The girl I’m dating!

Me: What happened?

Him: well man, you know we had a misunderstanding, and she got a nasty attitude with me, I ain’t got time for this!

They were angry at each other over a miscommunication. And of course, I reminded him of what I mentioned to him a week earlier. In relationships, it’s not the good times that make the relationship: It’s enduring the disagreements while remaining friends, lovers, and each other’s biggest support. Everyone get’s angry, EVERYONE! (Yeah I’m talking to  church folk too– “be ye angry and sin not”–Ephesians 4:26!)

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Getting angry is normal, it’s human, but how one handles their anger toward their husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend will determine the eventual success or failure of the relationship. So my advice is simply this: It’s ok to be angry, just DON’T BE STUPID!

If you know you are a ” Hot head” or, like me, have “Hair trigger, rapid fire, one-liner comebacks” or one of those wanna just throw something across a room type, it’s imperative that you first understand that yielding to your emotions during times of anger can cause irrevocable damage. Why ruin an otherwise good relationship with unkind words and hurts that will last long after they are said.   It’s vital to comprehend that stepping away gives you time to think, to reflect or be introspective.

Understanding yourself helps with personal growth.  The by-products of this introspection will affect your relationships in a positive manner. There’s a Greek maxim: “Know thyself (Socrates). In my opinion knowing and understanding yourself is even more important than knowing your mate. The reason I say this is because when you have an understanding of yourself, it is easier to work on understanding your mate, your girlfriend or boyfriend. You’ll put yourself in the position to avoid doing or saying something that can ruin the relationship.

So take the time to understand yourself, take the time to know and understand the love of your life and remember, it’s ok to be angry….just don’t be stupid!